Ascii David

A photo of David - geek style.

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Debugging (part II)

I was on my own again.

I raided the home pharmacy (with my dad being an MD I do not use the term haphazardly) and found nothing (nothing I’m allowed to use on a 9.5 kg humanoid). It was time to go out and buy some drugs. This being the information age – the age of web 2.0 shops and services – one does not expect leaving the comfy chair would be necessary. In my country one would be wrong.
So I ventured out (physically walked!) in the friezing cold (ok I’m exaggerating here!). To my horror the pharmacy was packed. I had to wait in line while bunch of old ladies (with mean elbows!) got the info on the latest fad diseases. Meanwhile my wife sent me a MMS photo of David looking like Regan Teresa MacNeil at her worst. I’m not sure what happened next but the line in front of me was suddenly cleared. A few of the old ladies were moaning and the clerk was looking at me kinda funny but I paid cash and was out of there in a flash.

Remembrance of Things Past

I'm in a proustian mood tonight. Browsing through my so 80’s collection I’m playing for David I stumbled upon Bryan Ferry’s Don’t stop the dance. Now for those of you who never owned an Amiga in the Amiga days, who never subscribed to Eurochartand never heard of Dr. Awesome of the Crusaders it wont mean much. To me it means a world of things.

What will David’s 20s collection be like? Will I get it?

A perfect excuse

David ate my blog post!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I humbly apologize. I haven’t been taking care of this blog for a month now. I could list you tons of excuses buit the fact remains I’ve bloged not a single line this month.
I was toying with the idea od writing a substitute blogger to fill in when I can’t be bothered to write. But decided it wouldn’t be fair to you. So I apologize again and I swear I will…

Respect!

I want to be a cool dad, you know? I’d hate being one of those uncool parents that show up at the wrong time, wearing the wrong things and saying the wrong thing to the wrong people. That would make me a failure in my book. So I’m doing some Googling on trends and music, joining cool IRC channels (avoiding the lame ones), learning how to sphr33k 4s h4xor lol! and correctly misuse the punctuation marks.
I do wonder if my hard earned skills will ever come in handy. I wonder if my dad went through all this? All I can say is - respect!

Debugging (part I)

A few days ago David started acting strangely. He was less cheerful then usual and that is a bad omen. He was crankier then usual; a regular mr. Ganglion! He was throwing more exceptions then usual - plus me and mom developed a splitting headache - so I knew we had a bug on our hands.

It was time to fire-up those debugging tools! The first tool you should always use in such situations is a Home Medical Encyclopedia. This is the kind of book your grandma buys from a ruthless encyclopedia salesman. This informed me David is either perfectly healthy, he is dying or any number of things in between.

My second weapon of choice was (of course) The Little Search Engine That Could. Only this time it couldn't. With links like: a survey, a credit card (I can still see the friggin’ numbers!) and ovaries I walked away with a strange feeing baby fever has more to do with female adult mental disorders than David!

So I phoned my dad who told me to sit tight and to call back if the fever gets up to 40°C.
Needles to say I wasn’t satisfied with this…

Geektionary: Mom

A generic BabyEvent and BabyException handler.

Implementing interfaces (ITurnable)

The most important aspect of baby development is the correct and timely implementation of various interfaces in the Human.Babies namespace.

David has just implemented the ITurnable interface today.

namespace Human.Babies
{
   public interface ITurnable
   {
       void TurnLeft();
       void TurnRight();
   }
}

Through the magic of abstract classes and inheritance we also get Turning and Turned events to bind on mom. She loves it and I recorded the first build on cam. You might have noticed I haven’t bloged any of the previous interfaces. Eg. yesterday’s post was a result of the IGrabber.GrabObject method. That is because they we’re already implemented at birth. Anyway, here’s a short list:

• ICute
• IGrabber
• IKicker
• IScreamer
• IDemandable
• ILovable

A random thing you will want to, but probably shouldn’t do as a newfangled dad #6

Let your baby get a hold of your digital camera.

Project review

Scheduled pediatric check-ups are like the dreaded project review meeting on a project under-manned, over-sponsored and hopelessly behind schedule. So when the time comes – you just know things will not go as planned.

It starts off with a barrage of project related questions like: Is the baby breastfed? Is the baby being read to? Is the baby being exercised? And there’s no good answer to such questions.

Project sponsor: Is the baby breastfed?
You: Yes.
Project sponsor: I see. Perhaps you should consider switching to formula. Breastfeeding the baby can lead to baby becoming over-dependent…
You: ?
Project sponsor: Is the baby being exercised?
You: Why yes, we’re…
Project sponsor: I see your baby has over-developed muscle tonus. You should consider not putting your baby through so much exercise…

Next the project milestones are reviewed.
Project sponsor: Does the baby stand on its own?
You: Well no, he’s 4 months old!
Project sponsor: I see –you think your baby is developing at a satisfactory rate then?
You: I’ve done much reading on the subject and I think…
Project sponsor: I see – you thing reading a book or two on the subject makes you a specialist then?
You: I…
Project sponsor: Are you ok with your baby developing slower then his peers?
You: Wtf?
Project sponsor: “So where’s the Gantt?”

At this point you point your gun toward one of two possible directions depending on whether you are an introverted or extroverted individual…

A random thing you will want to, but probably shouldn’t do as a newfangled dad #5

Use your baby’s birth-date as password.

The Gantt

Every project needs a Gantt chart. It is essential. You can’t persuade any self-respecting middle-to-upper management cone-head to sign off on your project plan unless he sees the Gantt. He’ll tell you:
”Where’s the Gantt?”
And you’ll be like:
”Wtf, I just showed you the project schedule and…”
And he’ll just go:
“Where’s the Gantt?”
And you’ll try to explain:
”Look, there is no need for a Gantt chart – all the information you could cram into that chart is right…”
“So where’s the Gantt?” comes the reply.

So here’s the Gantt.



This needs some elaboration.

Familiarization (7.11-7.12)
As noted elsewhere, you inherit your baby project (roughly) 4% of the way through. Considering the fact you’re dealing with an 18 years long project, 4% is a lot. This means you’ll need to familiarize yourself with your baby.

Research (14.11-1.1)
In about a week, you will realize you haven’t the foggiest idea. You’ll read books, Google and call-up psychics. After two weeks you’ll give up.

Learning Basics (7.11-14.11)
In order to begin with the caretaking activities you will need to learn some basics. This includes (and is not limited to) feeding the baby, taking the baby for walks, keeping the baby clean and dry and keep the baby happy.

Caretaking Activities (14.11-?)
Apart from the developing stuff, you’ll actually need to maintain your baby. Have you ever worked on a project where you needed to maintain the data while actually developing system to manage the same data? We’ll it’s just like that.

Sleep (?)
What sleep?

Playing Your Favorite Board Game
I average 12 seconds a day. Which means I’ll finish a quick game of Go in about 450 days.

Household Tasks (daily)
The Baby Project is a perfect opportunity for your spouse to off-load some of the chores to you (this is an inherently bad idea – think Microsoft product support and India). At this time you have no choice but to pencil it in.

Teaching Basics (15.10-?)
A Baby requires you to teach it some of the basic skills of living in a civilized society. This includes (and is not limited to) eating, walking, talking, taking care of nature calls and to say “I’m really, really sorry” when he does something you don’t approve of.

Blogging (whenever)
This will fall under work-time (in case your boss is a cone-head, you will need to work at it at 1 am).

A random thing you will want to, but probably shouldn’t do as a newfangled dad #4

Register a gmail account for your baby.

Nice to meet you post

Hi!

If I could keep a coherent thought in my head for more then fifteen seconds, knew how to form complete sentences, had a vocabulary, was able to type (well, strike the intended keys) then this would be written by me and not my dad.

<-- This is me today.

Well not really me – it’s a picture of me. Anyways, since dad takes care of the unmentionables and mom takes care of the food, I thought I should let him blog for me as well. As long as I’m full, dry, warm, had enough sleep and winamp is blasting Sugababes I’m good.

I wouldn’t call that high maintenance – would you? I do find my parents are hard to program. I have to guide them every step of the way. Nothing happens without my auditory signal. I swear, if I never cried they would forget to feed me! They just don’t seem very intelligent. I’ll have to work on them some more.

David

A random thing you will want to, but probably shouldn’t do as a newfangled dad #3

Let your baby write blog.

Mm,.

n ,l
, mmu89c++khcxjxo j h90

Geektionary: Baby.Diapers

The purpose of Baby.Diaper classes is to catch and handle bowel exceptions. These vary in type, smell and mass.

Baby.Diper classes implement one of two common interfaces: IWashable or IDisposable.

Programming sleep mode

First of all, you need to make sure your baby is at a stage of development where sleep method is implemented (we’re talking about the public sleep method here, not to be confused with internal InvokeUnconsciousness method which is called at random for the first few weeks).

Next, you need to realize there is no surefire way to invoke sleep. There are literally hundreds of overloads of the sleep method, ranging from simple .Sleep (MothersMilk food) to more complex .Sleep (Sound music, Toy teddy, String bedtimeStory, Int TimeoutInHours) methods. And each is more likely to throw an exception then work as advertised. But then again, they might work the next time you try them. The trick is to keep trying and experimenting!

For the past month David would instantly fall asleep to Guns’n’Roses’s Welcome to the Jungle played insanely loud while being held in my arms and gently bounced off beat with a freshly opened banana* nearby to provide the correct aromatic environment for sleeping. The key is to experiment! Naturally David stopped responding to this method two days ago – but I’m having some success with Enya’s May it be, Oranges, Mathmos space projector and circular walks through the apartment.

Did you know the word “banana” is the most commonly used password for female users named a variation of the name “Anna”?

A random thing you will want to, but probably shouldn’t do as a newfangled dad #2

Start a blog about your baby.